My friend once told me I’m cynical and cold, because I said that, to me, every relation is like a transaction. An investment you choose to make, just the currency is different than money.
To be fair, when I first thought about relationships in such a pragmatic way, it also took me aback. Transactions? Investments? How can anyone say that about human feelings and emotions?! And wasn’t I supposed to be a hopeless romantic? All dreamy and idealistic?
But the more I thought about it, the more clear it became. Believe it or not, one does not exclude the other, even though we’re taught to believe that’s the case: you can be a hopeless romantic who simultaneously is a cynical, pragmatic bitch. Hello, yes, that’s me.
Love by definition is — or at least should be — selfless, and I’m not going to argue that. But the relationship, even if build on the basis of that selfless love, is not. The definition itself confirms it. While love can flow one way, relationship requires two autonomic people building something together, putting work into their relation. Well balanced, healthy relationship — not only romantic one, mind — is a transaction of responsibilities from both sides. You invest your time, effort, feelings and vulnerability: things most valued in life, which cannot be given back. Being pragmatic and reasonable about it, being aware of the cost and what’s at stake, does not make you a cold bitch. Being able to put your feelings aside and look at a bigger picture doesn’t mean you can’t or don’t love strong enough. Quite the opposite, actually. It proves your emotional maturity: you respect your own worth, needs and choices, just as much as you respect other’s. Love is great, sure, but it doesn’t conquer all. There is way more to a healthy, lasting relationship.
It may seem impossible at first: take responsibility for your feeling and emotions? How, if they have the power to devour us completely? If they’re so often completely out of our control? Well, while feelings indeed could be all-consuming, incredibly strong and impossible to control, our reactions and decision we make based on them, definitely aren’t. There is a reason why we’ve been given (or rather developed over time) conscious mind and can analyse our own thoughts and feelings — don’t be afraid to use it. Even if you cannot control how you feel, you can control what you do about those feelings. And this is good enough.
It’s not to say you should fight them off at all cost, or repress them, God no. But don’t let them rule (and ruin) your life: balance it out with your reason. I do believe that feelings on their own do not mean anything until you let them. They can mean anything, everything and nothing, it’s entirely up to you and your reactions. Over which, let me remind you, you do have (or at least can have, with some effort) control. Contrary to what we like to believe, heart and reason are not there to be in constant opposition: they’re living in you to complement each other. The sooner you realise it and learn how to do it, the better.
Successful transactions need two equally engaged sides. It’s not particularly romantic view, I know, but to build a lasting, healthy relationship, love alone is really not enough. While love may come to you out of nowhere, the relationship build on it is a conscious choice. Mutual.
It may be the sort of knowledge that wouldn’t suffice until your personal experiences reveal its relevance. Just like with finance: not everyone is naturally good at it, but if you put in work and effort, you can get better. And sometimes you need to make a few bad transactions before you nail your best. You need to learn that not all transactions are worth your investment. With time and experience, you learn to invest where you know you can truly gain. Successful relationship is a transaction that brings gain to both of you. A business that enriches both of you.
If there is anything I’ve learn for the past 10 years, it’s that romanticising your feelings rarely pay off. Quite the opposite, it frequently has truly fatal consequences. Does that mean I ceased to be romantic? Hell no. I say it yet again: one does not exclude the other. I’m a romantic soul with pragmatic attitude, and I intend to invest my feelings wisely.
