I’ve been working in customer service for over five years. The last two and a half I spent wondering what I’m doing wrong that, despite my best intentions, once in a while, I still do get a bad review. Something that never seems to happen to my colleagues.
Crippling doubts jump at me straight away: I must be not nearly as good at my job as they are. Maybe this is not my place and not my role. But that goes against my line manager and closest co-workers’ opinion of me. They keep calling me nice, smart and extremely helpful, one of the best receptionists they have ever had. Can’t be so bad then, surely?
Maybe it’s a cultural thing. I’m not from here, and I do have different standards. I made my peace with the fact that I will never be as patient and as kind as Scottish person. It just doesn’t flow in my blood. And to be frank, as much as I love it, I don’t think it’s something I want to be. But am I ever openly rude? Have I ever really lost control? Give me some credit, five years’ experience must be paying off here.
Then maybe it’s a personality thing. I have been told, on and on, for more than half of my life and by people I respected and treated like an absolute oracle, that I am too loud, too blunt, too boyish, too impulsive, too vulgar and too aggressive. I’ve been led to believe there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I was never girly and decent enough for society’s standards. So there, maybe it’s my messed-up, unbearable personality surfacing.
And then came a day when I was complaining about it to my dear friend. She gently put a hand on my shoulder and with knowledgeable look said: my dear, it’s because you’re a girl.
Something clicked.
Are my male colleagues actually any better at this job? How many times have I saved them from trouble or fixed their mistakes without mentioning it? How many times have I turned a blind eye to their negligence? How many times have I heard that they would not go as far for the guest as I just did? How many times have I seen them handling a guest awkwardly? Plenty!
That’s not to say my male colleagues are worse workers, far from it. They just seem to be way more easily forgiven than me. Way less is expected of them too, and when they do mess up, it rarely gets dragged into reviews. Boys will be boys, after all, right? But that incredibly rude girl at the reception? That just cannot go unnoticed!
It’s 21st century and I’m still expected to be more meek and agreeable than my male colleagues. Equality in a workplace and all that jazz, but there are still different standards for what’s expected of a boy and what’s expected of a girl. I have opinions, I often say what I think and I’m not staying nice and unbothered when someone is offending or attacking me. Sounds pretty normal for a boy in any circumstances, but for a girl in customer service? Oh, that’s a liability.
You know, it fascinates me how much my blunt, to-the-point emails tend to bother my managers. It’s never about the merit of what I’ve pointed out, it’s always about the tone. Not what they’ve expected. Too little beating around the bush for their liking.
Try to argue your point or ask for explanations and suddenly you’re overly emotional, unreasonably upset, overreacting unnecessarily. Why bother coming up with some counter-arguments when it’s so much easier to say that my reaction is the problem and just hope I’m going to give up and drop it, as so many others before me did.
Well, at least now I know: it’s me being a girl, not me being a terrible person.
Far from ideal, sure, but I can live with that.
